Go bigger, get better!

The Tale of Spongebob

I have this friend, whose name I will withhold. *just in case what I’m about to write comes back to bite me dans le derriere*. We’ll christen him SpongeBob to avoid monotonous pronouns throughout. So SpongeBob is a guy in his mid-twenties that just graduated; lucky for him, he got a considerably good job that gives him a healthy balance between passion and pay. Lucky lass aye?

The life of SpongeBob is characterized by ‘millennial setbacks’; namely SINGLEHOOD.

He, just like many other millennials believe it is their right to be in a relationship. Those are the people who when asked their hobbies, top their list with socializing (flirting), then eating (going on dates), then having fun (…..).*I assume by now your eyes are open, fill in the blanks*. 

*this is where I drift kidogo*

 

If you want to know you’re a millennial and shame on you if you are one and were born in the 1900s; to you #RelationshipGoals have become more important than career goals, having a beard is cooler than having a talent, status is taking a mirror-selfie with an iPhone…forget about professional portfolios.

And by the way…you with the selfie-phone! Sharing Friday pics mkihappen; only to post a selfie at 7.30am on Sunday with the caption God is good, Blessed Sunday, let’s go to church. Take a whiff of an empty sulfuric acid bottle then repent, it’s better than an eternal swim in it.

Enough drifting. 

SpongeBob has both been a fool and unlucky where women are concerned. Once, when he didn’t know me very well, he approached me after a concert and said, “You know Ivy, it’s good to seize opportunities as they come. Don’t regret not making the right choice.”

“SpongeBob what do you mean?”

“I think I’ve already shown how much I care about you…

*Having met me two days before and paying my fare worth 30 bob* …you know when you’re with me, I’ll make sure you’re comfortable. Hao vijana wasikudanganye, they just want you for your body but I think you have a nice voice.”

“So you want me for my voice?”

“I didn’t say that. Ai… hahahaha lakini you know how many ladies want me? That’s why I’m saying seize this opportunity, you might regret later.”

This guy didn’t even deserve my blessed rejection; there are some people you just don’t say no to. Not because they deserve a yes, but because your words are too sacred to utter to just anybody that treats you like a Burberry sheep. So you walk away humming Holy Ghost fire melodies.

Funny how we became friends later and he began to trust me with his relational issues. One time he left work and came to my campus to see me. So he sent people looking for me because he tried calling and well, you know when hardworking students go to the library they put their phones on silent and focus on their reading.

So he did something smart. Sat at the gate and waited for me to pass. “Ivy, Ivy…Hi, why don’t you pick calls? Been looking for you.”

“Pole, what do you need?” *straight to the point*

“I’m confused. There’s a girl I really like but recently found out we come from the same village. What do I do?”

“Talk to your pastor.”

“I just want your opinion, so I’m asking around then I go to him” (whatever happened to texting)

“Okay, I think you should see your pastor because he’s better equipped to handle such. That’s my opinion”

“I told my mum and she says I should find out the name of my girlfriend’s father to know if we are related. Her last name is ….. And my last name is ……”

(Do you see what this guy is doing? even after giving him my opinion? Kumbe he had answers)

*for shame*

“That’s really good advice, go and see your pastor he’ll give you more counsel.”

“Yeah, I’m worried because she wants to break up with me…” Aki at this point I just got tired and allowed him to go on and on about the exodus of his relationship till he was done.

“I don’t know what to tell you SpongeBob. AGAIN, How about you go to your pastor? With your girlfriend maybe? Text me about it. Good luck.”

Eventually he went to see his Pastor, but that incident and others before got me thinking… this guy doesn’t know how to cope with rejection. He doesn’t move past it. Why had he come all the way to get my opinion on something his dear mother addressed already? Why is he looking for opinion? Or is it gratification he seeks?

When a chick rejects you or some guy dumps you, the best thing to do; is cry because your life is over and no one will ever admire your stupid common face because it’s ugly.

Alternatively, you could come to the realization that it’s not your responsibility to be beautiful and without flaw for someone else. You are not alive for that purpose. Your existence is not about how desirable one finds you *Warsan Shire*. Circumstances like SpongeBob’s may come that separate you from people you want to be with; let them go. Live life as God has given it to you, enjoy it; with or without people. Feel but heal.

So hit on better and don’t settle for people in the league of your ex. For me I get disappointed when I bump into an ex and they introduce me to a girlfriend that doesn’t dress better than I did and or speaks like their brain is filled with Styrofoam. Go bigger, get better! It’s the best thing you’ll do for (against) your ex. It’ll hurt their feelings :) 

                                                                                                     Written by - Ivy Stephanie